Facing My Fear

There are a few things tickling the back of my throat that I’d love to blog about, but I really don’t feel I should for a variety of reasons.  Conversely, there are a few things I really should blog about, not the least of which finishing my viewer reviews and this weeks color challenge because another starts already tomorrow, but I’m really struggling.

Writer’s block I guess, or maybe the heat.  I won’t mention the actual temperature because you’ll all laugh at me, but it’s hot to me.  A week’s worth of record breaking temperatures in a climate where most homes and even cars aren’t air conditioned makes for a lethargic and grumpy pancake.  I’d be bitcher, if I had the energy.

I was talking to Riot the other night about her song writing, and telling her that the important part is to not focus on the end result.  Just write what pops into your head, don’t worry about the right words, in the end it all works itself out.  I’ve said the same to many a roleplayer over the years.  Just write from the gut, ramble even, the key is to just get the motion started and the rest will come.  Though I haven’t traditionally had a habit of taking my own advice, I figure it’s never too late to try.

So, assume the blogging position.

Blogging

You didn’t believe me when I told you my hammock had a laptop pose that I use for blogging did you?

Where was I?  Oh yes, rambling, get the ball started, I can do that.

Did you know I hate being bald in SL?  Hate might be a strong word, but strongly strongly dislike.  Once, a few years back now, I was having this intense conversation with my partner at the time, not an argument because I think we argued maybe three times tops in all the years we were together, but certainly an emotionally difficult conversation.  When it was all done he says “Can you put your hair back on now?”  I looked totally fine on my computer, but apparently to him I’d been bald the entire time!  I just about cried, ok, I ma have very briefly cried a teeny bit.  Not about what we were discussing, but because I really couldn’t stand the thought that during this intense moment my ugly pixel head was showing.  Yes, I well am aware exactly how vain and absurd that sounds which is probably why I rarely mention it.

I think it might be because I do feel that sometimes the way we dress our avatars really reflects something about who we are, our likes, our style, our interests, our creativity, our mood at the time.  If people see something as significant as hair missing, that’s what they are going to be distracted by, and somehow I fear it can take away from the interactions.  It’s not that I’m scared to be ugly when I’m bald, I frequently put together all kinds of looks that aren’t the traditional pretty, it’s that I’m scared that I’m not representing or projecting myself in the way I would like.  If it was a purely text based world it wouldn’t matter, but visuals set the tone and mood of many of our moments, and being bald really feels like a mood breaker to me.

I’ve done bald’ish on purpose; like when I strip down for events, or in my latex set, but in those cases I’m aware that I have no hair, I’m comfortable with the image I’m projecting,  and it matches the tone I’m going for.  Maybe it’s just surprise bald that bothers me.  Who knows.

What I do know is that my bald phobia is a big part of the reason why I have been so slow to embrace mesh hair.  I can deal with people not seeing my clothes and just a void of my alpha, heck I’ve shown several pictures of me rocking that look here, but knowing that there are still a lot of people out there who don’t see mesh, who would see me as bald?  *shudders*

In my never ending quest for self and SL discovery and improvement I decided it was time to conquer this and I bought three mesh hairs this week.  The cute one in the photo was the 50L Friday item at Wasaba Pills.  It’s called Princess Hair.  Seemed pretty appropriate to me!

I’ve taken my mesh hair out for a few test runs on the grid, so far no one has pointed and laughed at me being bald.  So I went the next step and popped over to dance with the Happy Clams knowing full well there are at least two of them who can’t see mesh.  Guess what happened?  Nothing.  Well, I had a wonderful time laughing and joking around, listening to my favorite DJ’s and smiling until my cheeks hurt and somewhere in there I forgot all about being scared.

Go figure.

What’s that?  Why am not wearing pants while blogging?  Well that’s easy, it’s too damned hot.  A tank top and panties is my nod to modesty but wearing more than that would melt me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s