Half Alive

I’ve never really been a big fan of Halloween.  I don’t boycott it, I give out candy to the kids who come to the door, but it’s just never really been my thing.  I notice some of my neighbours already decorating, trees hung with spiderwebs, skeletons and gravestones on the grass, and I just kind of shrug and close the curtains.  Intellectually I comprehend the thrill of fear, but I just can’t get into it.  Not this year.

The best part of Halloween really is Second Life, and particularly all the themed creations out there that can be used as inspiration.  Take this skin for example, a group gift from Lumae called “Lady Death”.  The minute I saw it I knew it would break my blogging silence.

Fear is a strange thing, unique to each and every one of us.  You have one don’t you.  Is it spiders?  Ghosts?  Flying in a plane?  Commitment?   The fears we know are easy, we can for the most part go through our lives if not avoiding at least preparing to cope with them.  After all, they are as much a part of us as our hair or skin and we’ve had decades learning to manage them.

Unexpected fears are the worst though.  Imagine not knowing you were afraid of something until it’s right in front of your face.  Unavoidable.  Inescapable.  No amount of twisting or turning removes it from view, not even closing your eyes works.  It’s not a nightmare, it doesn’t go away when you wake up, but sleep doesn’t help much either even if you can manage a few hours.  With no prior experience to temper your initial reaction, with no learned or inborn coping mechanism, how would you handle it?

Some of you would do really well I’m sure, some people are just like that.  Grace, class and fortitude under any circumstance.  I’m not one of those people which was a really fabulous thing to learn about myself.  Now I know that if I ever find myself in a Zombie Apocalypse or the subject of an Alien Abduction, I probably won’t do as well as I always thought I would.  I’d cry apparently, then pout, then kick stuff, then eat, and eat some more, then yell at everyone I care about, then cry some more.  Sooner or later though my best quality would emerge, my hidden super power.  Sarcasm.  Hey, we all need a thing, at least I know mine now.

Where was I?  Oh yes, fear.  Wanna try something?  Let’s irradiate the human body and see if only the healthy cells survive.

Sounds legit.  I’m in.

If you think about it too much, which I’ve been known to do, it makes you wonder how many cells survive something like that. What percentage of the body is dead?

Regardless of circumstance or cause, there are countless people who find themselves feeling half dead every day all over the world.  It’s a pretty remarkable moment when you realize you are one of them, don’t worry, you won’t miss it if you are in the bathroom.  Actually, odds are it’ll happen to you while you are in a bathroom, but that’s another story.

The trick isn’t realizing you are half dead, it’s remembering that technically you are still half alive.  Now, if you want to dwell on one side of that equation for a while, please do.  I have.  Shamelessly and without regret.  There is no time limit, no rules, no standard you need to uphold.  There is nothing you have to prove to anyone, I promise.

One day though, the scale will tip.  You will find yourself in the half alive side.  I know that sounds corny but I need you to believe that, because I need to believe that.

Credits:

Skin: “Evie : 2 – Cream / Lady Death”  Group Gift Lumae http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Kassar/34/33/1502

Panties: “RadPanties” from MetaTheodora (now Chariot)  https://marketplace.secondlife.com/p/MetaTheodora-RadPanties/5575501

Hair:  “Stone Cold Seduction”  Exile (previous Hair Fair Style)

Poses Del May  http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Terravia%20Island/217/66/24

Getting My Pixels Wet

I was scanning through my side bar yesterday and caught a post on Ziki’s blog about a new water and rain sim that opened up called H22O. I love water sims, their empty spaces leave so much to the imagination, perhaps more so than the items placed in them do. In touring you are left to wonder if the separate areas with trees, or wreckage, or ruins are part of a one continuous build concept, or vignettes onto themselves.  Chapters perhaps, parts of the same story. With very little to cast shadows, it challenges you to get creative with lighting and composition. This is the first thing at H22O that caught my eye. It’s haunting isn’t it? And yet, if you step outside the initial and obvious reaction, there is a sense of tranquility to it. Stillness.

A Little Rain Must Fall

Rain is an usual thing, all weather is actually. We sometimes attribute feelings, moods, to weather. Sunny days are happy, rainy days are sad, storms are frightening or chaotic. I suppose in truth they are, or can be, but who hasn’t experienced the exceptions, with rain in particular. I don’t know what spring is like in your part of the world, but here it’s dusty and dirty and brown. Dead. All the residue of snow piles, salt, sand, last year’s garbage, old leaves, stark branches, and things best not discussed in polite company are revealed when the snow melts. For all it’s damp and chill, it’s only the rain that can clean all that away, to bring color, and new life. Rain isn’t sad, it’s a promise.  It’s hope.

A Promise of Hope

Rain can be special in another unique way though, not just the cleansing of the old and encouraging the growth of the new, but it can be cozy, comforting even. It’s rainy days that encourage us to curl up with a book, a cup of tea, and let nature’s rhythm slow us down, pause, spend some time with ourselves in an honest way. If I were at home I’d slip into an old shirt, you know the kind. That one you borrowed one night from an old flame and forgot to return? The one your husband wore yesterday and left on the edge of the bed when he went to work?

I chose this shirt dress called Timm from coldLogic’s latest release for that very reason. I suppose it was probably meant to be a dress, but in my mind it was a shirt, not just any shirt, but that shirt. I don’t have anything like that in Second Life, I don’t mean shirts, I have those, I mean items belonging to others that can serve as mementos. The technicalities of permissions eh? Who knew they’d rob of us that so very human experience of holding something that belonged to someone else, to lift it to our faces and catch the scent memories, to run our fingers along the buttons and travel back to another time.

Talking To Angels

That doesn’t mean I don’t have fond memories of people I’ve been close to in Second Life, they are just triggered by different things. Instead of something I can hold, or touch, or own, they are often things I can visit. Places where memories were made. I didn’t realize when I started my visit to H22O that I’d encounter two of the most special to me, a lighthouse, and a piano, but there they were. No pictures I’m afraid, I just couldn’t. Oh I tried, believe me I tried, I wanted to with only the obsessiveness I can put into things, but I just couldn’t capture the right angles, the right lighting, the right mood. As I sat there feeling my frustrations growing, tense because I couldn’t get the perfect shot, I realized it’s because it’s not the right time. The rain is meant to wash those things away, blur them into the comfy haze of yesterday and clear the air for the new growth that is coming tomorrow. It doesn’t mean I don’t remember, I do, and can visit those memories on a moments notice any time I wish. It’s just that… maybe I don’t need to anymore?

It’s a good thing. It is. A new season, a new beginning, a time to look forward. I dug around in my inventory remembering an umbrella I got when Baffle closed, so no matter how much it rains, I’m ready.

I Came Prepared

Dress and Belt: Timm from coldLogic
Umbrella with poses from Baffle.
Hair: Genesis from TRUTH
Skin, appliers and Mesh Lashes: Ewa kinder former TDR item from Al Vulo
Eyes: Ellis-Lavender from [LeLutka]
Slink Avatar Enhancement Hands – Casual
Slink AvaEnhance Mid-Height Feet
H220 http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/KSA%20Atlantis/196/159/502

Boudoir Bunny

Sometimes people ask me why I don’t take pictures or blog anymore, ok, three times, but still I’ve been asked and it makes for a good lead in. I don’t really have an answer, it’s certainly something I love to do, so it wasn’t lost interest, I think it was at least partially lack of time. The original intent of this blog was to rediscover Second Life, to find new things to do, new places to see, meet new people, and work on my photography skills while I was at it. Now that I only manage to get into SL once every two to three weeks, I don’t get as many chances to explore anymore so I felt like I didn’t have much to share. If I wasn’t sticking to my original purpose, or could only update once a month, should I bother? After great deliberation, I’ve decided that I should bother. Who cares if I only take pictures once every two weeks? Or blog three days in a row then not again for a month? I don’t have sponsors or ads, no commitments, and it’s something I find relaxing so I’ll post now and again when the mood strikes me.

Being a four day weekend here I did have a bit of time to get online, mostly because I was inspired to pick up this Daffodil Bunny outfit that is currently a group gift at Boudoir. As has happened in the past, I was happy with the look I put together, but didn’t have a new place in mind that I wanted to take pictures. Normally I would have searched Easter, or bunnies, or checked out the new art installations to find the perfect location to suit it, but I realized that’s been part of my problem. You see, I had this strange rule in my head that every post has to feature a new item, in a new place, with a written post that somehow ties together both. Sometimes I’d visit a place, but have no new look to show or none that suited the location theme. Other times, like today, I’d have a new outfit but couldn’t think of a new place to showcase it in. In both of those cases, if I didn’t have something to write, I didn’t feel like there was a reason to take pictures. Whoever made that rule that all three boxes had to be checked in order to blog really should reconsider… oh wait, it was me, which means I can break the rule right? I hope so, because I did.

I took the picture right outside the store at Boudoir. And why not? It’s a really fun place to visit, not only themed outfits for just about any event or holiday you can think of, pieces that really work well in photography, but furniture, landscaping and buildings too. There is the most adorable Alice in Wonderland furniture and pose set there I have my eye on, but I really don’t have anywhere to put it,  that doesn’t stop me from visiting it in the store though.

I like stores with an inworld presence, not just because I much prefer shopping in world to the marketplace, but I feel like they add something to Second Life. They are part of the community. I do realize that land prices makes going marketplace only attractive to some merchants, but I miss them, and it makes me sad that it seems to be a growing trend. Visiting a store you get an idea about the creator, their vision, the way they use and enjoy Second Life. It adds to my own immersion in a way too I suppose, going shopping, walking about a store, far more than marketplace ever will.

There will always be people like me who enjoy the shopping experience in Second Life for it’s own sake, but it’s not just the experience, it’s that the marketplace is incredibly frustrating to me. I hate it, I really do. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t use it enough and so I’m not good at it, but things are never where I expect them to be, I have all kinds of problems entering key words, and then changing categories only to have my keywords cleared out. There appears to be no policing on the key words either, and that annoys me,  I don’t like being conned into wasting my time.  I also wish I could mute or ignore a creator. If I’ve decided I never want to shop at store A, I don’t want store A’s listings showing up every time I search. If they ever make changes to the marketplace, I really hope that’s one of them. Another, which is not only frustrating to shoppers, but creators too, is the multiple listings for the same item if there are many colors. That’s a cute dress, but I don’t want to see 9 ads for the demo, the 7 colors you have, and the fat pack, just show me one and let me pick the color. Right now I can scroll three pages of listing and only really see 3 items, what a waste.

Anyway, shopping in world has it’s benefits, not only did I pick up this Bunny outfit as an in store group gift, but I discovered that Boudoir has gatchas. I did not know this. I decided to try my hand, once, to see what I would get. Score! Check out this adorable swing set, it comes with the trees and arch and everything.

It’s really cute on my land, which has sat empty since I got a new neighbour who is fond of banlines and circa 2007 iron fences. I know, I know, I’ve heard all the arguments, but I’m a big believer in mainland and I do love living there, although I’ll be the first to admit the neighbours make all the difference. I’ve waited out others in the past, I may wait this one out, or try to sell, but until then I’m just going to reduce my draw distance and enjoy my swing.

Outfit: Corset, chest flowers, headpiece with ears – “Daffodil Bunny” – In Store Group gift from Boudoir
“Spring Swing” Gatcha Prize from Boudoir
http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Boudoir/123/215/22
Hair: “Genesis” – Truth Hair
Skin: “Celestial china red fairy” – Al Vulo – available at The Dressing Room
Shoes: “Flirt Cross Strap Mules” – Sax Shepherd Designs
Lips: “Hypershine Lipcolor Raspberry Wine” – Previous group gift from Mock Cosmetics
Manicure and Pedicure: (.vix) – Bright Solids
Eyes: Ellis-Lavender [LeLutka]
Lashes: Previous Group Gift from Maitreya
Slink Casual Hands and Slink Mid height Feet

Souvenirs of Other Worlds

I’ve been reading a book lately called “Other Worlds Than These”, it’s a collection of short stories about parallel universes from authors like George R. R. Martin, Stephen King, Carrie Vaughn, Orson Scott Card and many others. As a book it’s ok, some stories better than others, but it’s this forward by Lev Grossman that I can’t get out of my head.

“When I read The Chronicles of Narnia as a child, it didn’t so much as introduce me to the idea that there was another world as confirm my already grave suspicions on the subject. Even at the tender age of eight I was – as I suspect you were, and are, if you’re reading this book – one of reality’s natural critics. Oh, I knew that the real world had it’s good points. One must be charitable after all. Candy, for example, and cats, and hot baths. But by and large the material was just a bit thin. The jokes weren’t funny, the catering was uneven, and the less said about one’s fellow players the better. I had a powerful urge to see what was on in the next theater over”.

If that quote didn’t strike you as familiar, as something that’s rattled about your brain unspoken until just now, the rest of my post probably won’t make sense. You see, it feels like he’s talking as much about the 8 year old me as he is himself. There weren’t enough stories to fill me, my appetite for elves, magic, space, time travel, anything new, anything different, seemed insatiable. It wasn’t just books either, soon I didn’t need others’ words to feed me, the stories came from inside me. The tree in the backyard hosted a mysterious race of fae when I looked at it out my window at night, that cardboard box from the time we got a new fridge became a time portal that took me, more than once, to Camelot.

Fast forward several decades, and I sign up for Second Life. I see now that it was just another new adventure, new experience, new world. Some might say new escape, but I don’t always like to use the word escape because I don’t mean it to imply that there is something wrong with one’s current life or world or experiences. It’s not so much about getting away from anything, it’s really more about getting to something more.

Getting to my point here, in an unusually round about way even for me, when I discovered Second Life it wasn’t just the concept of an alternate world that held the appeal so much as the people in it. Why? Because it seemed to be filled with others like me. People who had read the same books as me, liked the same movies as me. People who knew what a Drow was, who were fascinated with Steampunk, who saw beauty in Cybernetics, others who could rattle on about the history and characters of Star Trek, or Middle Earth, or Narnia. I met people with the same sense of humour, who understood the same references, who spoke the same language in a sense. I discovered that there were others out there with the same larger than life imaginations, insatiable appetites for words, and the ability, ultimately, to suspend disbelief.

To this day, I’ve yet to find any community or group that has so many people who enjoy what I enjoy, who are fascinated with the same wild ideas, who like to talk about the strange, mysterious, and magical. There are people who get me in ways that are hard for me to find in a coffee shop, family reunion, or work place. I wonder now if it’s not coincidence that I found so many kindred spirits in Second Life. I wonder if there is something about it that appeals to that part of us. Probably, I mean I don’t think that’s any kind of radical theory, so the question is… what is that part of us that draws some to Second Life? Imagination?

If you’ve read some of these stories about alternate universes, parallel worlds, time travel, you know many are sprinkled with warnings. There is the danger that by simply being part of them, we could bring about change. Not only is there a risk of changing the people we encounter in those worlds, change the society itself, but we must also consider that by even being a guest in those worlds we are forever changed upon our return.

Another common thread in these types of stories is the warning about bringing something back from those worlds into ours. Luckily there is less risk of bringing something back from a Virtual world into our real space than there is say, if we time travelled to ancient Rome… or is there?

My theories on that were blown completely out of the water when I first came across the work of Aemeth “Cake” Lysette. She does drawings of Second Life avatars, she did the one of me shown above, and you can see more of her work on her Flickr https://www.flickr.com/photos/aemeth/ and her blog http://aemysays.wordpress.com/ or her store https://gumroad.com/ashurcollective.

On the surface perhaps you might just admire her artistic vision, her skills, her style, but if you know me at all, you know what I’m like, I had to toss the idea around my mind until it was coated in cinnamon and sugar and tickled all those taste buds that live along the moist edges of my imagination. I chose those words on purpose you know, the food references, because this idea is really just that delicious. A real life drawing of a virtual world avatar. Doesn’t that give you goose bumps? The walls are crumbling, the rules are broken, we’ve not just crossed into an alternate world, put our mark on it, but we can bring something back with us.

When I read that she was taking commissions, I had to have one. It’s not often I say that, although there are many things I own virtually that I enjoy, that are fun, that I use often, that I admire, I can’t say that I’ve ever needed something the way I needed this. Perhaps it’s because my time in SL is waning, it’s possible that I needed something tangible in my day to day life to remind me of that place, those times, the person I am when I’m there. Whatever the reason, I wanted, needed one of Aemeth’s works, a drawing of my avatar.

There was one problem, which look to ask her to draw? I have so many avatar looks, and I don’t even mean alts although I have those too, but as you can see from my pictures I change everything about my avatar, from hair to skin to clothes on a pretty regular basis. I change it for my mood, for the event I’m attending, for the company I’m with, but mostly for the photoshoot or blog post I’m trying to do. If I could have just one piece of art, just one image to represent who I am virtually, what I do in Second Life, what it means to me, which would it be?

I shared this struggle with a friend, asking his opinion on which I should chose, and he helped me narrow it down to two that are most commonly “me” when I’m not working on a photoshoot or blog post. The looks I most commonly choose to represent myself as when I’m on my time. Two wasn’t very helpful though, because as much as I wanted this portrait, I am still sort of frugal and would only treat myself to one. That’s when he stepped in and offered to commission two, so I could have both.

It seemed indulgent to have two, selfish, of not just his money but also Aemeth’s time, but in the end both agreed this was the best way. If a portrait would be that special thing, that artifact, that magical token I can take back to my world with me on the days or weeks when I’m not in this virtual one, my portal to alternate worlds, it had to capture all facets of me.

They are perfect. They are me in ways I don’t have words for, although, now that I look up, I apparently tried to use them all just to be safe.

Now With More Spine

You know the expression ‘Wearing your heart on your sleeve”?  People say that to me a lot and I’m never quite sure what they mean.  To be clear, before anyone links me the urban dictionary, I know what the expression means, but I don’t always know their intent.  Is it a compliment?  A caution?  An insult?

I suppose it doesn’t much matter, because it is true, although as I’ve mentioned here in this blog before I prefer to call myself an emotional exhibitionist.  Sounds a bit sexier don’t you think?  I am an external processor, I think aloud.  I get from A to B by talking or writing it out.  I process feelings and thoughts by looking at them outside of my own head.  I know sometimes it causes people undue amounts of concern when they find themselves witness to it, but it’s really not necessary.  Chances are if I’m talking about something that upset me, or that I’m going through, I am actually perfectly fine.  It’s only when I get quiet that should be remotely noteworthy. 

Which brings me the long way round to my point, this blog has gone quiet for several months.

The short version of why I haven’t blogged is because I haven’t really been in Second Life since April.  There were a handful of quickie log ins to make a payment, or answer something critical, but that’s about it.  I knew that my spare time and online footprint would be drastically reduced over the summer months due to a few changes at home and work, and some medical situations with my family in my first world life, but I’ll confess, there were a few nights here and there that I could have logged in.   I most certainly could have benefited from the distraction, and having a bit of fun, but just the thought of it knotted my stomach so I didn’t.

You see, there was an unresolved issue that I didn’t want to face, the same unresolved issue that has made me question what to do with this blog. 

You may recall, or if you skip down a few posts you’ll see, an SL friend of mine Mabb Dilweg passed away suddenly in March.  Her death touched many people, even those who never had the opportunity to meet her in SL.  In a moment of shared grief, in an attempt to feel less helpless, a fundraiser was put together to fly her partner Shane Fairlock to her home.  We knew he wouldn’t make it in time for the funeral, but hoped that the trip would still give him closure.  The fear of never being able to say goodbye is one that I think most people who form online and long distance friendships can relate to.

In April it became apparent that the fundraiser would fall short of it’s goal.   I know that quite a few people, both privately and publically in the SLU forum, began to ask questions about what would happen to the money and suspicions even began to be voiced.  At the time he assured me that he was holding out hope that he could still put together enough from other sources, that he just needed a little more time, but in the event he couldn’t make the trip we discussed other options for the money that was raised including giving it to her family or donating to the zoo that Mabb loved to bring her grandchildren to.

That didn’t happen.  Six months later, he either is still holding it or he spent it.  Will it forward it on one day?  Perhaps.  Stranger things have happened.

There is a lot I could say here, but I don’t know how necessary that is.  If you are at all curious what Shane’s version of the story is, it would probably be best to ask him.  I could give my version, but it differs dramatically from the various accounts he’s given Mabb’s other friends so I don’t even know what the truth is anymore.

I do know this, as weeks turned to months, without even the courtesy to update all those who loved her, and who donated, the silence became the elephant in the room.  So much so that the very idea of logging in and seeing Shane on my friend’s list, knowing I had to either confront him or ignore it as if nothing happened, seemed like more stress than I needed or wanted.  I needed an outlet, an escape, but due in large part to this situation Second Life was no longer that for me.

I’m angry.  Not about the money I donated,  I’m angry at myself because in my own need to channel my grief, to do something constructive, I projected my fear of losing people I care about onto this situation and I overinvested emotionally.  I know better, or at least I should.  I’m angry that I let my reluctance to confront him and address this issue keep me from Second Life at a time when I probably needed that outlet most.  I’m angry that I let my uncertainty about how to proceed with this blog, not knowing if I should address this issue or not, keep me from taking pictures and writing.  I dreaded having to talk this out with people, I felt guilty, I was embarassed, so I withdrew from many of my friends rather than risk the topic coming up.

Not anymore.  I finally, with the help and heavy prodding of some friends, logged into Second Life, said my piece to Shane, then deleted him.  It’s done, I’m taking my Second Life back. 

I still have a lot of thinking to do,  I need to examine what part I played in this and find a way to prevent it from happening again.  It’s not the first time a friend let me down, not the first time I misplaced trust, not the first time I got hurt, not the first time I dreaded the idea of confronting a person or situation.  People are so quick to say “don’t let it change you” and I appreciate both the sentiment, and the good hearted place it comes from, but I do think a few changes are in order.  People warn me against becoming bitter, urge me not to build up walls, but from where I sit those both seem like viable options.

I don’t know where my Second Life will take me now and it’s possible that I will continue to wear my heart on my sleeve on this adventure,  but I know one thing for sure… this time I’m packing a little more spine.

Outfit : MetaTheodora Star of Venus Ballgown, Gloves, and Nipple Covers (head piece not shown)
FEET!!!!! Slink Female Feet (AvEnhance) M – Mid (a blog post dedicated entirely to my new feet is in the works)
Below eye piercing: .:ellabella:. Helene’s Tears – silver
Above eye piercing: – .HoD. – Fire In The Water Prt. 1 – Midnight
Skin: -Belleza- Ellie Gacha 5 (old Arcade Item)
Hair: Wasabi Pills Lory Mesh Hair Aquatic (old Arcade item)
Make up: -Belleza- Eyeliner 1
Collar: Hello Spacegirl – Ilia Collar (long) M (black)
Eyes: [LeLutka]-Ellis-Lavender/M
Lashes: Maitreya V.I.P. Group Gift  Mesh EyeLashes (old group gift)

Mesh spine attachment is part of the [StG] Neuropuppet RLV Slave Unit on the marketplace.

Tis The Season… For Good Intentions

I meant to get a post in before the holidays but it’s not looking like that is going to happen.  It was partially time, I think I’ve been online only once this week and that was to celebrate the Solstice with the Happy Clams, but mostly the problem was that I was drawing a blank trying to find the perfect Seasons Greetings type of post.  I’m not the biggest fan of wintery things, probably because I live with too much winter, and though I like Christmas I don’t tend to go all out in my decorations or costumes either.  The holidays for me are about loved ones, those who are there to support and laugh with us every day, and in many ways those who are not.

I tossed around the idea of writing a special message for each person I miss, and each person I’m grateful to have in my life, but the risk of leaving someone out worried me.  Then I decided at the very least I’d dress up in Holiday attire and visit one of the many Christmas locations on the grid right now to take pictures, but here I am on the 24th and as I sip my morning coffee and look over my to-do list it’s clear that isn’t going to happen.

I couldn’t just leave the blog with nothing to acknowledge the holidays so I decided that it’s close enough to the New Year that I could get a head start on one of those “a year in review” type of posts.  I had intended to do this in the fall when my blog turned one year old, but ….hmmm I’m sensing a pattern here.

Anyway, the holiday season always makes me nostalgic so I’m just going to show a collection of my favorite photoshoots from the last year. It’s a slideshow, so once you click play it *should* just go on it’s own. It seems to want to fight with me though, so I hope it works.

I wish you all a wonderful holiday season, however you celebrate.  In the mad rush of shopping, eating, and travelling I want to ask you all to take some time to reach out to someone, anyone.  It could be a loved one you haven’t seen in a while, it could be that person who is there every day and has become so comfortable you sometimes forget to hug, or maybe it’s a stranger who’s day might be a little brighter for that moment you take for them.

Thank you all for being part of this last year and see you in 2013!